peace

everyone in my house is asleep and it's so quiet and lovely. all i can hear is the sound of my fingers typing. it's delicious.
after several days of talking myself down off the ledge and not buying formula to supplement t2's meals, i let my worries and fears and mostly guilt go last night and bought a bottle of similac.
i did this for two reasons: first, i love breastfeeding, but it's a bit of a ball and chain. second, i couldn't get ahead on storing breastmilk cause chompers was pretty much taking all there was at every feeding. for the past two nights, tayloe has fed him a bottle of potion and i've been able to pump and get our overstock supply back in business. i like having stockpile of the good stuff. if i don't it means i'm responsible for every feeding everyday and that's just about the most unfun thing in the whole world.
still i mulled over the forumla bottle for a good 3 hours last night. shaking it. reading the ingredients. reading the directions. just staring at the bland white bottle with and the pathetic little teddy bear on the lable and wondering if the manufacturers really think that makes me feel like they care.
FORMULA. there's something about it - FORMULA. i mean, no one's even trying to disguise that it's a completely manufactured, unnatural product. that seems very unamerican to me.
i'm not a breast feeding nazi. i think parents should feed their kids whatever suits them. never let your kid see a boob or nurse until your he's 4. it's an intensly personal decision that only parents can make. i get that.
but when it came down to making the choice for my baby, i really struggled. i just kept thinking about how new and fresh his body is - not a nano-ounce of processed food in him - and what a wonder that is. part of me wanted to just keep it that way.
that was my heart talking.
my brain said this: don't be a dumbass. you're tired and you're starting to be a teenie tiny bit resentful. by the end of the day, you feel like a shrivled raisin. this is not a huge deal. this is for your sanity.
i thought about calling the doctor. i think i actually dialed the number. and then i realized i was just wanting someone's permission. isn't that stupid? our doctor, who's spent maybe 1 hour with us max, isn't at all suited to make a choice for my family. i'm pretty sure that's my job.
so i just let it go. it was a win-win. t2 chugged it and got some extra dad love. i got a shower and waxed my eyebrows.